on Oct.19, 2013, under Life in General
In which my emotions swing to the dark side… again. This time it was triggered by a recent phone call from a friend, when a cold realization hit me mid-conversation: I’m single again. I know loads of people who are in relationships and would love to be able to say that, but for me it totally blows. Half of the people I know bitch about all the petty crap their partners do. They complain about their unsatisfying sex lives. They gush on about some hot body and say “Oooh if I were single…” Yeah well I wonder if they realize how bad the alternative might be?
Alan & I were both extremely sexual people so there is an element of that in my thoughts, but that’s not all. Having a bad day and wanting to be held by the one person who understands you… but they’re not there. Having something good happen and turning around to share it with someone… who isn’t there. Being in the habit of starting and ending your day with a hug and a kiss… that no longer has a loving recipient. Trying to work through problems or make decisions when the one person who could keep your mind on track… isn’t there. There’s an undeniable feeling of wrongness in planning things alone again, even if it’s no more important than planning what to have for supper.
And yes, being horny but knowing that the only person you *really* want, the one who always makes sex better than anyone else could, is no longer there and never will be again is also an issue. It’s all enough to make me want to say “What the fuck am I doing here?” and I’m betting that some of the people I know who think they’d like to be single again would feel the same if they really stopped to think about it. Yeah, being single means that anything goes. You can do exactly what you want on exactly your own schedule without a thought for anyone else, and you can bed anybody who’s willing. But that’s not necessarily a good thing.
I’m single again, and I do not like it at all.